61 Likeliest Picks to Fill Anthony Kennedy’s Supreme Court Seat

SF Weekly's Supreme Court bureau has obtained an exclusive.

Now that highly unreliable swing Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement from the Supreme Court, the United States has been set on an near-irreversible course toward outright white supremacy and oligarchy. Having stolen a seat from President Obama to install Neil Gorsuch on the bench, it’s highly likely that Republicans will be motivated to act with extreme haste to replace Kennedy with the worst possible person.

SF Weekly has obtained a list of 61 likely candidates White House advisers plant to show the president this weekend at Mar-a-Lago. It’s mostly pictures because Trump can’t read.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Lou Dobbs

Laura Ingraham

Rick Santorum

Dinesh D’Souza

Kelly Sadler

Alex Jones

Pepe the Frog


Leland Yee

Jim Hoft, the Dumbest Man on the Internet

Peter Thiel

Kim Jong-Un

Melania’s Jacket Consultant

(Know Your Meme)



Roy Moore

Judge Jeanine Pirro

Judge Judy

Judge Wapner

Judge Reinhold

Mike Judge

The Exhumed Remains of Antonin Scalia

Roger B. Taney

Stacey Dash

Richard Spencer

Aunt Lydia

Gavin McInnes

Laura Southern

Milo Yiannopoulos

Bob Loblaw

Roseanne in the Chicken Shirt

The Mooch


The Golden State Killer

This Hack from the Heritage Foundation, Who Started a Federalist Society Chapter at a Party School and Is Also an Incel Who Will Sit on the Court for 43 Years

The Babadook

C. Montgomery Burns

Plankton from Spongebob

Mojo Jojo from Power Puff Girls

Deez Nuts

Cash Me Outside Girl

Bellatrix LeStrange


Track Palin or Bristol Palin or Cashew Palin or some shit

L’il Tay

Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner

Doc Hopper from The Muppet Movie

Michael Cera in This Is the End

The Teacher-Cop Who Shot a Student in Monterey County During a Gun-Safety Class

Tay Tweets, Microsoft’s AI Chatbot That Became Racist In Five Minutes

A Fishbowl With a Guy Fawkes Mask

Literally a Dead Cat Wearing a MAGA Hat


Either the Night King from Game of Thrones or the Ice King from Adventure Time

The Albino from The Da Vinci Code

Atlas, the Scary Fucking Robot from Boston Dynamics That Flips in the Air, Holy Shit

Macaulay Culkin’s character from The Good Son

Willem Dafoe as Nosferatu in Shadow of the Vampire

Neo-Nazi Pop Duo Prussian Blue

Evil Morty

Fabio with a Bloody Nose on a Roller Coaster


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