The Ins and Outs of Sex in a Hotel

Be nice to the maids!

With all the nefarious booty calls that take place in hotel rooms, you would think that going about it would be more straightforward. Certainly, anyone can make a desperate, last-minute call to a scuzzy motel and do what needs to be done, but if out-of-the-house sexual rendezvous are as frequent an occurrence in your life as they are in mine, then it pays to be selective about what suffices for doing dirty deeds.

Having a full-time husband at home means hotels have become a way of life for me in maintaining healthy, consensually non-monogamous relationships outside of my primary partnership. There are many reasons why I typically book a room rather than use my diminutive San Francisco one-bedroom. First, it’s generally considered to be in poor taste to kick a man out of your shared bed to make space for another. Second, long-distance relationships that require traveling are my jam, since scheduling conflicts are harder to come by. And third, hotels are fun.

But again, not just any old room will do for when you’re not saddled with a lack of urgency. With that in mind, here is what I’ve learned when booking a hotel/Airbnb/camper van/any other enclosed space whose intended use is of a sexual nature.

Splurge for your splooge.
If this isn’t someone you’re seeing on the reg, and shelling out a few bucks to host a liaison won’t break the bank, then you might as well have some extra fun with it. Go for the boutique hotel with the Jerry Garcia-themed room and stellar breakfast service that refuels enough sexual energy for one or two last pre-check-out fucks. There’s nothing wrong with getting fancy, either. Sometimes, it’s even hotter to defile an elegantly appointed room intended for the wealthy elite.

Avoid fucking on top of the blankets.
Look, I get it: If you’re meeting up at a hotel, there’s a good chance you’re both — assuming there aren’t more of you, that is — hurting for it. There’s nothing sexier than going to town on each other in a desperate fervor, without enough time to undress properly or turn down the bed. Sometimes, you don’t even make it to the bed! But sometimes you do, and Lord knows I’ve found myself breathing hard, exhausted, and resting on top of the blankets in a wet pool of cum mixed with whatever else. It’s kinda shitty that someone has to clean that up, when sheets are so much easier to bleach.

Request secluded rooms.
As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m all about anal sex — but completely unable to practice volume control when banging it out in the butt. I’m not trying to ruin others’ hotel experience — or, worse, encourage them to come find me. So, if you don’t want to hold back on the noise-making and the bed-rocking, then take some time to see if the hotel has standalone bungalows or corner suites where you can moan to your heart’s content. (On the other hand, tasking your partner with keeping you quiet out of necessity is a fun kink in its own right.)

Make hotel meetups into an adventure on their own.
If you’re booking a hotel in order to meet up with a long-distance lover, why not pick a place neither of you has ever been before? The cost doesn’t seem as justifiable (or as fun) when it’s being spent on somewhere as close to home as possible. A mini-vacation or a place you can explore together (when not fucking each other silly at the hotel) can be an adventurous addition to a traditional relationship. One of my sexual partners and I are fond of keeping a list of the various states and countries in which we’ve made love, and it has since become a bucket-list style component of our dynamic.

Hotel trysts carry with them the sensation of spontaneity and excitement.
This is why so many long-term or married couples turn to the allure of bedrooms outside their own to spice things up. However, if your entire relationship is contained within the walls of what constitutes most people’s vacations, you run the very real risk of being unable to transcend the boundaries of a casual partnership. If fun is all you’re after, then no need to heed this warning, but any readers risking more romantic notions should be aware that a relationship forged in a responsibility-free fire will have a difficult time growing into a meaningful flame.


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