Note: The original version of this story cited Oakland's The Looking Glass as a potential dungeon venue. It has since closed.
2015 was intense, and although '16 holds the promise of being sweet, the culmination of the election cycle and the inevitable rise of artificial intelligence may influence the fate of the new year. But none of that matters between the sheets, and at the end of the day, while we can't control many things in this world, we can control our orgasms — or even ask someone else to control them. So this year, I'm keeping the tradition I started in 2015, by assigning you sexual resolutions for the next 12 months and encouraging all of you to make 2016 the year you dominate your sexy bucket list.
Have a threesome.
Honestly, you should have fully embraced the idea that sometimes more than two people have sex with each other, and marked this one off the list years ago. It doesn't need to be the pinnacle of everyone's sexual existence; it can just be a Saturday night. But if you haven't done it already, then it's time to take the plunge. (That time in college when you got drunk with your two best friends and all passed out naked in the same bed — and “nobody remembers what happened” — doesn't count.) To mitigate your late-to-the-game-ness, you're going to have to skip the more easily procured two-girls-one-guy threesome, which hasn't been edgy since Wild Things, and go straight to the two-guy-one-girl threesome, which is kind of having a moment. Remember: Be in the know about everyone's STI status, and be mindful of which condom goes into who. No sharing!
Go to a dungeon.
All over this city, you can find play spaces that give stupid Christian Grey's red room of pain a run for its money. Alchemy in SoMa and The Citadel in the Tenderloin contain impressive play spaces filled with all the leather, wood, and metal contraptions a sadistic heart may find a use for. Each hosts classes and events throughout the year. If public play isn't your thing, check out kinkbnb.com to rent a private kinky space.
I recently had sex with a guy who told me he would “never let” anyone put something in his ass, which is, of course, his right to choose. He's missing out on a whole universe of the male orgasm, however. The prostate is like the male g-spot, and some men can achieve stronger, more intense orgasms from prostate stimulation and anal sex than they could from vaginal intercourse. While it's not for everyone, one stands to gain far more than one stands to lose in this endeavor, and I say it's worth the risk. Start small with a bunch of lube, some rad porn, and a prostate-specific tool like the Aneros, and fap the afternoon away. I bet you'll be a pegging champ by this time next year.
Find your happy ending.
Getting a massage that ends in an orgasm in probably one of the best feelings this world has to offer us. Don't wait another second. Ask a friend, lover, or professional to put on some sweet jams and bust out the coconut oil while you bliss out into the astral plane of the big O.
Get tied up.
There are tons of rope events all over the bay, from Bondage A Go Go every Wednesday at the Cat Club on Folsom Street, to the Rope Bite social at Wicked Grounds (San Francisco's own kinky coffee shop). Read local kinkster Evie Vane's The Little Guide to Getting Tied Up and remember that even if you dream of being a Shibari master, the very first step is understanding how it feels to surrender yourself to the ropes.
Get (or give) spanks.
Spanking is one of the most highly charged forms of impact play, as it lends itself so nicely to power exchange. The only hot part of 50 Shades of Grey was when Christian bent Anastasia over his knee and spanked her as a playful punishment for rolling her eyes at him. Spanking doesn't require any fancy kink products, although a hairbrush, belt, and ruler can all be excellent and inexpensive additions to your scene. Next time your partner is late for dinner, instead of pouting, suggest they might need a spanking for dessert. Remember to ask first, communicate throughout — as spanking can be surprisingly painful — and be careful not to strike the kidneys or tailbone.
Even as the city becomes known more for tech than sex, there is still almost no better place on this planet to be a pervert than right here in the Bay Area. So what are you waiting for? Get out there, make me proud, and do your part to ensure that 2016 is sweeter than all the years that came before.