A Dog-Crap-Eating Tortoise and Other Highlights from GQ's Profile of Guy Fieri

Santa Rosa’s own Guy Fieri is the subject of a bananas GQ profile. Drew Magary hung out with Fieri, getting a little sloshed on the the celeb chef’s own wine. (One paragraph reads like a descent into gonzo madness, tinged with that curious epiphany journalists get upon realizing they really like someone they assumed they'd hate.) Here are the highlights.

[jump] Fieri has a pet tortoise. Pops is a sulcata who escapes a lot and humps a hard hat (it’s his “girlfriend”). Pops also eats dog shit, which is “the foie gras of the turtle.”

Fieri is making wine. Strictly speaking, the existence of his label Hunt & Ryde isn’t news, but it’s organic, it’s not available yet and, curiously, won’t be available at any of Fieri’s own restaurants. He also referred to his wine as “heirloom shit.”

Fieri battles NIMBYs. When he tried to open a tasting room for Hunt & Ryde, people came out in droves to stop him. That sounds like community action until you learn that one cranky Flavortown neighborino claimed that “noise very nearly seriously injured one of my show horses.” Way to go, NIMBY, now I harbor sympathy for Guy Fieri.

Fieri has had his own problems with horses. He has a scar from when a horse stomped on him at the age of 10, which injured his liver and “bruised his heart.” (Again with the sympathy!)

Fieri has a yellow Camaro with a black racing stripe and a black Corvette with a yellow stripe. If that isn’t telling enough for you, the Camaro also has a vanity plate (RYDERSS).

Fieri has a signature style. He “looks like every Sublime fan rolled into one.”

Fieri’s seems to have married the right lady. At one point, Lori Fieri casually leaves her manchild husband and the GQ journalist to go get the family dog vaccinated against rattlesnake venom. (Pick up some uranium rods on the way back, honey!)

Fieri is upset with Pete Wells and Anthony Bourdain. But he’s not defensive over the shitty things they’ve said about him. On Wells’ zero-star rating for Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar, Fieri said, “His assignment was to give me no stars. He had it already planned.”

Fieri composts. He hates soda. And even though the logo for “TROPHY” (the name for Fieri’s Cab-Pinot blend) has a gun sight for an O, Fieri doesn’t like to hunt.

Fieri got a tattoo of his sister. She died at 38 of melanoma after declining chemo because she was a devotee of alternative medicine. Yikes.

Fieri ain't all that bad. “The man’s life is one endless tailgate. Fieri rarely dines out for pleasure. He prefers to cook at home or eat at his own restaurants ('I love going to Tex Wasabi’s'). He is his own ideal customer — a man in love with his own middlebrow food.”

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