Best Practices for Being Authentically Slow Food

Important: Slow food doesn't mean eating Snooki (or anyone else who is “slow” mentally). Besides, that shit is definitely NOT organic. Slow Food is an eating movement that counteracts fast food and fast life, and connects us with the Earth and its Magical Bounty.

Basically, it's the dietary equivalent of Sting and Ms. Sting's sex life. Yum! Okay, let's get down to business.

First, it helps if you're a college-educated white person. Make sure you're that before moving on.

Second, you have to quit your job. You're going to need all the time you have to slowly get familiar with Japanese table-arranging, goats in Chianti, Vietnamese poultry, and learning everything you possibly can about Cowgirl Creamery. If you have to work, just fucking forget it. Skip ahead to the part about being adopted by a Slow Food convivium; it's your only hope. Until then, enjoy your Doritos and Colt 45, fatty.

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