Ebb Tide: Please Don’t Eat Those Delicious-Looking Tide Pods

The Tide Pod Challenge has caused so many teenagers to consume candy-like detergent packs that @Tide's Twitter feed has been reduced to poison-control triage.

The exceptionally mouthwatering individual packets of laundry detergent known as Tide Pods are so irresistible that they’ve yielded their own meme, the Tide Pod Challenge. Consequently, people are eating them, getting very sick, and calling poison control to save them from their own inability to withstand temptation, not that anyone could.

The situation has grown so bad that an agitated YouTube and Google are scrubbing the internet clean of dangerous videos encouraging people to ingest these perfumed, glycerin-based delights. Tide even had to enlist the New England Patriots’ tight end, Rob Gronkowski, to make an emergency PSA urging America’s youth to find less alluring ways to clean out their filthy gastrointestinal tracts.

Symptoms include severe vomiting and diarrhea, and that alone should be a detergent deterrent. But even the most rigorous cost-benefit analysis falls to the wayside when you see that the peers who were supposed to be reviewing your work are actually foaming at the mouth with giddy joy, having devoured propylene glycol and linear alkylbenzene sulfonates.

Who could possibly resist? Look at that sugary swirl of blue and orange! It’s marbled like the contents of the beaded glass dish in the parlor of the world’s sweetest granny. They look like orange and blue manatees encircling one another in some tropical sea-cow mating ritual. I even heard that when Colton Burpo went to heaven and reported back on what he saw there, the afterlife consisted of little more than Tide Pods and some divine lens flare. Even motionless in their plastic wrappers, the sirensong of those appetizing morsels turns my very pupils to hypnotic spirals, as if I’d stared at a barber pole for five whole seconds. But please, whatever you do, refrain from tasting of the forbidden fruit of the hydrogenated castor oil tree. Don’t be a blind follower; be a casual separate.

And not to pick on poor Four Barrel, which has enough problems of its own, but it’s a helluva time for the beleaguered coffee roaster to rebrand as The Tide.

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