Jared Fogle Lettuce Down

Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you’re Subway, apparently, who officially dropped its former spokesman, Jared Fogle, like the pedophilic PR nightmare it turned out he was.

It's much easier to tear out an ex-lover's heart from the removed distance of a screen, which perhaps explains why this one ended in what will surely go down as one of the greatest corporate tweets of all time:

[jump] If we take a step back, it's not exactly like the breakup was a major surprise — the rumors started flying back in July, after the sandwich conglomerate “suspended its relationship” with Jared (which we can only assume is the rough equivalent of changing your Facebook status from “In a relationship” to blank), following news that federal investigators had raided his home looking for child porn.

Well, it seems they found what they were looking for, because late yesterday afternoon, it was announced that he would plead guilty to charges announced today. By then, Subway decided they had finally had it up to here and were just done with this shit, which they callously announced to all two-and-a-quarter-million Twitter followers. Though they betrayed no emotion, we can only guess that it's been a roller coaster of a month for them; frankly, nothing else would explain the introduction of biscuit-and-gravy-flavored potato chips. Here's hoping they can pull themselves together.

Subway might want to start by removing the Jared's Pants Dance Game from its kids' app.

As for Jared, the news sparked just about every footlong, Eat Fresh, and “dream of fitting into smaller pants” joke you could ever imagine, and then a few more — notably, that Colonel Sanders and that freaky Burger King guy can breathe a little easier knowing they're no longer fast food's creepiest mascots.

And disgusting though his crimes may be, at least Jared seems to finally be owning up to what he (allegedly) did, which maybe puts him on a moral plane ever so slightly higher than some celebrity sex offenders. It's not yet known what sort of jail time he could face, and it's likely his career as a fast food spokesman will be pretty well shot after this; but then again, never say never:

Mike Vangel eats and drinks and tweets.

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