Ryan Gosling Loves Animals, Baby Goats Are the New Baby Jesus, and Banana Nog!

Ryan Gosling wrote a letter to McDonald's about the heinous animal abuse on their chicken farms. He did this because he really knows how to get into my pants. Actually, I'm not sure he does. Ryan, call me for directions! My pants are easy to find! They are very large and usually have some sort of candy product in the pockets.

• Have you seen Farm Sanctuary's new rescued baby goat? Because I have and my eyes haven't been the same since. For reals, I now see colors previously unknown to the human eye, and I have insane facial recognition software imbedded in my cornea that allows me to function just like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible–Ghost Protocol, which you should know, is pretty much the best film you'll see in your life. So far. This week.

The Atlantic published an absolutely ridiculous piece by Nicolette Hahn Niman about how great it is to eat meat because DUH LADY YOU ARE THE MEAT QUEEN. I wish The Atlantic would let me publish pieces on how great it is give Laura Beck all your money because baby, I would. Actually, I can't blame her. Of course, I had to yell at her dumb ass about it and I don't regret it. That b didn't stand a chance; I always being a gun to a knife fight. What? It's for the animals!

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