It's alright, everybody. You can calm down and lay back inside the scent of manufactured-boy-band masculinity now, because the cheeky tykes of One Direction have a new fragrance out. A fragrance the band is choosing to advertise with this little slice of AREN'T-WE-HILARIOUS-EVERYONE?! “comedy.” It includes an “organic apricot from space,” among other self-conscious nonsense. Watch below:
Well, actually, it occurred to us a couple of minutes after seeing this for the first time that perhaps One Direction's attempts at humor might not be as bad as every other commercial for a musician fragrance ever. Because all perfume advertising is totally fucking stupid on every level. And it just gets worse when there are singers involved. Here are 10 ads that make One Direction's efforts seem totally reasonable.
[jump] 1. Rihanna, Reb'l Fleur
Nothing says “my perfume smells nice” more than laying in field, surrounded by synchronized fan dancers, before wandering aimlessly through a maze you can see over the top of, then having four men put their hands on your face. Then we get treated to an awesome rewind of the whole thing, as if this is some epic movie that needs to be pieced together at the end.
2. Nicki Minaj, Pink Friday
In addition to having the tackiest perfume bottle design in history, Minaj also opted for the 'Godzilla Does New York' approach to the ad campaign for Pink Friday. What does it all mean? What is she trying to tell us? Is this a commentary about how annoying it is when that one ass at the party wears too much eau de whatever and it dominates the room in a radioactive manner? Absolute nonsense.
3. Enrique Iglesias, Adrenaline
“What makes your heartbeat stronger?”
The answer appears to be: a round of spin the bottle in a fiery thunderstorm.
Thanks for clearing that up, dude.
4. Katy Perry, Killer Queen
What should we know about Killer Queen, the fragrance? (Not the Queen song… though we are surprised there haven't been any copyright issues here…) Only that Katy Perry's idea of rebellion involves sitting on a chair that's been kicked onto its side.
She should've brought Left Shark in for this one…
5. Beyonce, Rise
This isn't a commercial for a fragrance, it's more social commentary about those websites that send glitter to your enemies. Just inhumane, guys. Stop the madness.
6. Taylor Swift, Taylor
We're not sure about you, but for us, when we want to feel free and sweet-smelling, we find the magical success triumvirate is: an empty bath, an indoor swing, and a terrifyingly lackadaisical attitude towards seat belts.
7. Madonna, Truth or Dare
“Hey guys? I'm super busy this week because (bitch) I'm Madonna, so I'm thinking the best way to get this ad done quickly is for cameras to just show up when I'm shooting the print campaign… What?… No, it'll be totally interesting — just use really shitty cameras and give it a snuff movie vibe. Cheeeeeers!”
8. Gwen Stefani, L
“I want you all over me.” See what she did there?
How long did it take you to come up with that one, Gwen? Ten minutes? Five?
Must try harder.
9. Christina Aguilera,
“Sometimes, it's all you need to wear…” Oh, not you as well, Christina.
C'mon ladies, you can do better than this…
10. Lady Gaga,
“The use of violence in this film is a commentary on the duality of fame.”
Is it, Gaga? Or is it nine minutes of rubbery, oily, self-indulgent twaddle?
See? One Direction = not that bad. You heard it here, first…