5 Reasons Kid Rock is The (Absolute Fucking) Worst

Since you probably don't read Libertarian Yokel Monthly, you might not be aware of developments in the life of animate fedora with a ponytail attached, Kid Rock. We try not to talk about him if we can help it, but remarkably, earlier this month, Mr. Rock managed to move up a few levels on the Dumb Fucking Prick-Ometer and elevated his status from the Fred Durst Cluelessness Equivalency stage, all the way up to the Ted Nugent Special Department of Willful Ignorance and Cruelty (James Hetfield also resides on this level, btw).

That's right, kids! On January 3rd, Kid and Ted went a-huntin', with their gie-tars, and their shootin' machines, and their penises, and, yuk-yuk-yuk, showed dem animals who's boss. We know this because Ted Nugent posted a photo to his Instagram account (which, by the way, is basically a catalog of heinous animal cruelty) of him and Kid gleefully holding up — nay, cuddling — a beautiful, needlessly slaughtered, bleeding cougar. We're not including the picture here because it's horrific and we don't want to look at it anymore. 

[jump] This incident served to remind us of just what an almighty, festering ass-hole Kid Rock is. So, now felt like a good time to put together a refresher course in case anyone else had forgotten about this as well. Here are five reasons Kid Rock is The (Absolute Fucking) Worst.

1. His Entire Back Catalog (Duh)

We had a hard time picking the worst Kid Rock song of all time because there are just so many to choose from. In the end though, this travesty won, thanks to that bit where he rhymes the word “things”… with the word “things” (it's not like “orange” — pick a different word!). And then samples “Sweet Home Alabama” in a song that's supposed to be about “Northern Michigan”. Absolute nonsense from start to finish.

2. He Ruined Sheryl Crow For Us

Look. We know she's not cool. But before Sheryl Crow did a duet with Kid Rock, she had a special place in our hearts. She's what you listen to on car rides with your mom because it offends neither of you; she's a little bit country but a little bit rock 'n' roll; she's gorgeous but relatable; and — come on now — “Every Day is a Winding Road” is a classic. Listening to “Picture” though, it sounds like Sheryl is doing charity work. The first time you hear it, you think she's hit the studio with a dying teenager for the Make a Wish Foundation because Kid Rock's vocals are so fucking weak and his lyrics are straight out of a rhyming dictionary, and you just can't imagine why she would consent to this unless it was for a good cause. Sorry Sheryl, but this was an even worse decision than when you agreed to marry Lance Armstrong.

3. He Wrote a Song About Abortion That's All About Men

You know what discussions around women's reproductive rights in this country don't fucking need? More white men. In fact, let's just eliminate men from the discussion altogether since it's not about their goddamn bodies and men never get bailed on halfway through a pregnancy. Kid Rock (surprise!) doesn't think men should just stay the fuck out of it though, so he went ahead and wrote a song titled “Abortion”. It's written from the perspective of a man who is so devastated about his partner's abortion, he becomes a drug addict and contemplates suicide. Yeah. 'Cause that's who abortion is really hard on: the man. There is one beautiful irony here though: Rock sings about his other children and his baby mama here… who he's clearly not taking care of, and who he's clearly about to abandon. Good job, bro. You basically just gave us a solid example of why it should always be the woman's choice.  

4. The Pamela Anderson Marriage
Let's get one thing straight: If we see Pammy with a rock dude, we want that rock dude to be Tommy Lee. That just how life works. We think Kid Rock knew that though because the world saw him physically assault Lee at the 2007 VMAs. (He later pled guilty to it.) Also in 2007, after the ridiculous four-month marriage to Anderson had ended, he went and told the media that she had lied to him about having a miscarriage just to make him feel bad. His reasons for not believing her? He saw her at a party shortly afterwards, when she should've been locked inside her house wearing a Victorian mourning gown. Or something.

5. Getting Involved in Politics
Rock didn't just endorse staunch one-percenter and all round shady motherfucker, Mitt Romney, for president in 2012, Rock performed at the 2012 Republican National Convention in (where else?) Florida, he hit podiums to speak out in favor of Romney, and he also let Romney use “Born Free” as a campaign theme song. Then he let Paul Ryan use “Bawitdaba”. The only good thing about Kid Rock yapping so much during the campaign was that it meant he wasn't singing for a few minutes. But then this happened, which was basically just ten minutes of cringing, patriotic sand art and a Prius commercial (what was Sean Penn thinking?!):

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