Department of What the Fuck?

Jingle bells, the White Stripes smell, Ben Gibbard laid an egg

In honor of Live 105's Not So Silent Night Christmas “spectacular” this Friday, Dec. 9 — featuring the White Stripes, Death Cab for Cutie, Coheed and Cambria, and others (go to for more info) — we present to you these new, soon-to-be-timeless Christmas carols, which we hope you'll enjoy at your next alternarock holiday gathering thingie:

“I Saw Jack White Punching Santa Claus”

Broken bottles and blood all over the place

Meg White wears a funny smile upon her face

The drummer has a secret, she knows what's been done

She wants to tell somebody, so she calls the Smoking Gun …

I saw Jack White punching Santa Claus

Right behind a Detroit bar last night.

The fat bastard said our albums blow

And called Karen Elson a ho, ho, ho

So Jack knocked all his teeth into the snow.

Then I saw Jack White kicking Santa Claus

'Cause he said our “fake-ass blues” could use some bass.

Santa claimed I can't play for shit

And that we'll never have another hit

So Jack broke his nose and fucked up his whole face.

“Little Emo Boy”

Someone please turn off the TV

A-whiney whine whine

'Cause Death Cab's on The O.C.

A-whiney whine whine

Songs of lovelorn misery

A-whiney whine whine

Ben Gibbard's a big pussy

A-whiney whine whine

Whiney whine whine

Whiney whine whine

Such navel-gazing really wears thin

A-whiney whine whine

Still gets 'em on the cover of Spin

A-whiney whine whine

Don't bum out my Christmas with this pablum

A-whiney whine whine

Never thought I'd prefer the Postal Service album

A-whiney whine whine

Whiney whine whine

Whiney whine whine

“Here Comes Geddy Lee: Through the Eyes of Santa on a Sleigh Ride Through the Chaotic Universe, Volume 19”

Here comes Geddy Lee!

Wait, it's that wannabe

From Coheed and Cambria.

Emo plus prog rock plus a space opera

What the fuck are you guys doing, huh?

His voice is squealing, my synapses are reeling

All is getting on my nerves

If you guys don't stop singing this crap

I'm gonna puke up my hors d'oeuvres.

Here comes Geddy Lee

Please play “YYZ”

Oh, that's not the band you're in.

You're wailing convoluted comic book junk

Much to my chagrin.

Your saga is dumb, it's making me glum

When I should be full of holiday cheer.

You guys should think about breaking up

And becoming a Rush tribute band next year.

Tags: , , , ,

Related Stories