This week I've decided to do something a little different with Bouncer. Basically, I'm feeling generous, and so I invite you to take part in the glory of penning one of my columns. (I also think that you need something to do besides wigglin' your toes 'n' pickin' your nose while you are sitting on the toilet reading SF Weekly every week.) So here goes, the first-ever Bouncer “Mad Libs.”
This week I went to the [adjective_________] bar known as Lucky 13 on Market. I had been avoiding this place for years because it seemed so [modifying adj._________ adj._________]. Turns out I was right.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like [adj.________ plural noun__________] as much as the next [pejorative term for a woman___________], but gimme a break. I mean, if I want to be surrounded by hipsters wearing [plural noun_________] and [plural noun________], who seem to get off on [activity__________], I'd go to [S.F. location_________].
Lucky 13 has that mid-'90s [adj.________] vibe that most people associate with [plural noun_________], vintage cars, and [noun________]. There are posters everywhere for bands like [band name__________] and [band name___________] and pictures of pseudo-'50s [pejorative term for women_________] who look like [famous person___________]. These babes are usually posing [adverb __________] whilst sprawled across a [noun__________] or cozied up to a [noun_________].
Basically, Lucky 13 is like a [adj.________] theme park with a “bad luck” gimmick. The sign has a picture of a black [noun________] and, of course, it also sports the number 13, which in certain cultures is an omen that means [adj.__________] luck. I dunno. To me it just means, “Hey, [pejorative term for a person_____________]! Come on in! I'm a [pejorative term for a person___________]!”
OK, maybe I shouldn't be so [adj._________] on the place. I mean, some [plural noun__________] seem to like it. When I walked in, for example, it was full of [plural noun___________] enjoying pints of [liquid__________] and nibbling on [noun___________]. [Band___________] was playing on the sound system, and folks were [gerund__________] and generally having a good time. Could my distaste for Lucky 13 merely be my own fear of not being [adj.__________] enough to fit in?
I sat down on a barstool and took in the [adj._______] selection of [liquids__________] on tap. They did indeed have a [adj.________] array to choose from. I tried to get the bartender's attention by [gerund_________] my [noun_________], but he seemed to ignore me. Finally he came over. He was a bit [adj.___________] and seemed like he'd really rather be at [S.F. location__________]. I ordered a glass of [liquid_________] and settled in. “[Exclamation ___________]!” I said to myself. “This place [verb ending in “s” __________] the big one!”
I was just about to take off when I saw a [adj._______] guy sitting by himself and reading a [magazine name__________]. “[Exclamation ___________]!” I said to myself. He looks [adj.___________]. Before I went to sit next to him, I asked the bartender where the bathroom was. This seemed to annoy him and I thought he was gonna [verb________] me. I found it, though, and had a [adj._________] time reading all the graffiti on the walls. “John Kerry is a [pejorative term for a man___________]” was scribbled on one of them. Then there was the usual mix of “Don't sleep with [man's name_______], he has [plural noun___________],” or “I love to have my [noun__________ past participle verb____________] every night.” Stuff like that. I thought about adding my own clever lines, something in the vein of “Here I [verb___________] all brokenhearted, came to [verb___________] but only [past participle verb____________],” but alas, I left my Sharpie at [S.F. location_________].
I came out of the john and sat next to the strange guy. We chatted a bit and I found out that he was a [occupation____________] who was married with a 2-year-old [noun___________]. This was his one night a week to get out, he said. “[Exclamation________]!” I said. “Sort of like a [possessive noun__________] night out! I thought only [pejorative term for women___________] did stuff like that.” He made a “Mr. Mom” joke and we laughed [adverb_________].
We discussed the article he was reading, which was about [plural noun_____________] who suffer from [disease____________]. Needless to say, the conversation was quite [adj.________]. Plus, he was wearing a wedding [noun___________] on his left hand. I may be a [adj.____________] [pejorative term for a woman______________], but I'm no [noun____________].
I wished him a pleasant [noun_________] and headed for the door. The jukebox was playing [band__________] for like the [number__________]th time and I felt a sudden urge to [verb__________].
“[Exclamation____________]!” I said to myself. “I guess this was just another [adj.____________] night in San Francisco. Next week, I promised myself, I would [verb____________] the [noun___________] [adj.__________]. But for now, it was time to go home and [verb____________].
LUCKY 13. 2140 Market St. 487-1313.