Gene Simmons' Life Advice Is the Fucking Dumbest

Are you a woman with a functioning uterus? Do you constantly find yourself asking men for money because of all those damn babies you keep having? Of course you do! Because, really: Can't all women's lives be summed up using a series of lazy stereotypes based loosely on a 1950s construct of womanhood? Of course they can! Thankfully, that champion — nay, hero — of good sense and morality, Gene Simmons, has just given us all some valuable advice to live by. Ladies, put those screaming babies in the other room for a second, stop mourning the last guy that left you, and take a long, hard look at the advice Gene Simmons has cooked up for you, your bank account and your vagina: 

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Oh my goodness! What a revelation! It's so gratifying when smug old has-beens insert themselves into the public eye (and fucking book stores) in order to tell us ladies things that might never have occurred to our tiny, simple minds before. Honestly, we're just so overwhelmingly ruled by our hormones and emotions that we never would've considered trying to be financially stable before embarking on procreation. Thank goodness there's a level-headed man in the world to explain this to us. Actually, it's relatively miraculous that there's a man talking to us at all, given how all men are absent, cheating cheaters, who “must work for a living” while us ladies have the “option” of being a “respectable and wonderful” “housewife.” (Sorry, stay-at-home dads, you actually don't exist, so just remove yourself from this discussion entirely please.)

You know, it's really no wonder that someone gave Gene Simmons a book deal. Dude is just a wealth of knowledge. That part where he says “You have to spend less than the amount of money coming in”? Whoa, dude! Slow the eff down, so we can keep up with you. It's also really great that someone's finally telling us that “men do not depend on women” (except for their mothers, of course, who were “delivering” “hot and steaming” food to their sons, like five minutes ago). Now that we know men don't depend on us, we can go ahead and close our joint bank accounts and just quit being in these mutually supportive relationships. Shit, if we'd known they didn't depend on us, we'd have put on our self-entitled bitch faces and quit being nice to their bread-winning asses years ago!

He's “sorry to burst [our] bubble,” ladies, but here are the things we must keep in mind about the opposite sex. Men are arrogant and selfish and not mature. They are visually stimulated. They don't know what they want. Keep them on a short leash, but don't ask them where they're going ever because then they'll go and have sex with someone else. (We know that sounds like a total contradiction, but just give it a go, because clearly Gene Simmons knows what he's talking about.) And, when you've finally tricked one of those dumbasses into knocking you up, please keep in mind that your child will learn “nothing” from school.  

Are we all clear? Fabulous. 

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