I’m all black and blue. Thanks, internet!

The Clickable Clit continues this week with more online adventures from the personal life of an SF-based cybersex expert…

Wednesday, July 30, 11:30 a.m.

Oh no, it’s the return of the awkward “LOL.”

A few years back, I wrote a piece about how middle-aged men resting their exposed genitals on the plastic straps of lawn chairs use terms like “LOL” to mitigate their sheer ridiculousness. I should probably explain. At the time I had an older sugar daddy in Second Life who, when talking about the things he was doing in real life (e.g. sitting around naked in a lawn chair), would often end his sentences with “laugh out loud,” as if that somehow made what he was saying more normal and less weird. It was an interesting way for a popular internet abbreviation that's supposed to mean you're having a good time to instead mean, “Don't judge me!”

Well, it seems the awkward LOL is back in my life, and it's once again in use by an older man. I've mentioned I put out a call on Beautiful Stranger, my cybersex matchmaking site, for “research participants”–i.e. people to have sex with me online for science. One of the people who've responded is a forty-something surfer from Hawaii who spends a lot of time on a site called 321SexChat. I agreed to check it out with him, but we keep missing each other. That somehow leads him to send me messages like the following: “You know, it really sucks being at work when you'd rather be engaged in some form of wild behavior that results in a climax. LOL.”

LOL indeed, sir. LOL indeed.

Monday, August 4, 9:00 p.m.

Remember how I thought I might be losing my faith in online dating, and specifically in hipster love site OkCupid? Well, my faith has definitely been restoring. After a weekend of offline fun with the internet boy I mentioned last week, my extremely bruised inner thighs are evidence of that. Amusingly enough, I’ve been to both a communal spa and the OBGYN since having my legs bitten raw in fits of passion. I warned the doctor it “looked like I’d been in a car accident” before I removed the little paper sheet covering my black and blue marks. She muttered something about “consensual,” I said definitely, and she tried not to look disapproving. As for the spa, I’m hoping my bruises paled in comparison to the shock of the cold dunking pool, which is a shock no naked person should have to endure, therefore rendering them invisible. The truth is though, I’m proud of my marks, even if wearing a skirt over the next week or two will mean preparing to tell strangers, “I fell down some stairs.”

Tuesday, August 5, 11:30 a.m.

With or without my balding surfer, I decided to check out 321SexChat today, since I’m always up for new research venues. I don’t know what I expected – an actually clean, well-lit, intelligent environment for online sex, maybe? – but what I found seems pretty standard in the land of fast internet hook-ups. Basically the site is little more than a singular adult-themed chat room. Here are some observations:

1) As per usual, there were more men than woman around. That would make the odds for a girl like me pretty appealing, if it weren’t for the fact that all the “men” use fake photos of rippling muscles and have names like “18foryou.” Are you 18? Are you really?

2) The first thing every single boy I talked to asked was “a/s/l?” Granted, it’s pretty standard to start a low-level (like pond scum low) sex chat with “age, sex, location?” but it sure does set a tone that says, “This conversation will be quick, dirty, and markedly uncreative.”

3) Unlike other sex chat rooms, for example AOL’s, 321SexChat has a nice system for one-on-one texting. When someone wants to send you a personal message, it appears on your screen with all the rest of the chatroom noise, but comes with a little link that allows you to click to talk in private. Unfortunately, everyone’s second question after “a/s/l?” is “Yahoo or MSN?” Apparently those private chat windows are notorious for crashing, so no one has cybersex at 321SexChat anyways. They just hook up and head elsewhere.

I’ll admit, my research session got cut short when I lost my patience with one subject (i.e. horny British guy) who just would not stop insisting he call me up so I could listen while he jerked off. I tried the “my roommates are here” excuse. No go. I tried, “I’m more of a text kind of girl.” Still no. Plus he kept calling me “yummy” and telling me my “sexyness” was so “fuckably delicious.” Now, “fuckably” I can get behind as a made-up word, but please, if you’re going to make up things about a woman you’ve never seen, at least learn how to spell sexiness.

To reach The Clickable Clit, write to Bonnie [at] heroine-sheik [dot] com, or follow her exploits in more detail throughout the week at her cybersex blog, Cybersexy.

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