SACRAMENTO, CA – While most of the nation is focused on the presidential race, sources close to Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom said that his quiet but aggressive campaign for governor in 2018 is going so well that he’s already been able to sell his supporters out.
“There’s going to be a lot of issues involving driverless cars that he’s going to appear to be against at first but will change his mind about once he’s in office,” an excited campaign worker said. “And he’s now fully committed for a huge reversal on labor standards that will just devastate his supporters among teachers and nurses. We’re really stoked for that.”
Political strategists say that being able to sell out his key voting blocks more than two years in advance is a major advantage for the campaign.
[jump] “Whoever the other candidates are, whether a Democrat in the primaries or a Republican in the general election, eventually they’ll screw their supporters over,” said Stanford professor of political science Cameron Sen. “But they’ll have to do it on the fly, with maybe a month’s preparation tops. Being able to plan this far ahead really helps him [Newsom] capitalize on every promise he breaks. It makes a big difference in terms of his ability to maximize his return and really twist the knife in the people who trust him now.”
The Newsom campaign is already seeing the upside in his committed backstabbing, raising more than $700,000 this year in addition to the nearly $3 million remaining in his campaign coffers.
“That money,” Newsom said, “comes from a broad base of people with a variety of different interests and perspectives, who share one thing in common: I am going to screw them all so hard. Whether it’s a sudden reversal on a firm promise or a gradual backsliding on a key commitment or just my casually reneging on a handshake deal, it’s always – always – going to be painful to watch.”
Analysts say Newsom has what it takes to follow through.
“Having an affair with his best friend’s wife was fine for him as mayor,” said Democratic pollster Lauran Bly, “But he’s going to have to do a lot better than that if he plans to be competitive as a gubernatorial candidate. Nothing Newsom’s done has yet reached that level. But he has it in him.”
Bly added, “You just have to talk to him for five minutes to know this is a man who can lie to my face while fucking me in the ass. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he betrays us all as president one day.”