Anything Police Say Is True Enough to Put in a Headline, Police Say
A trio of brutish broads punted puppy after puppy on Sunday morning in Bernal Heights, police said, so we put it in the paper. Police also said that a vicious puke stole an iPhone on Muni in the vicinity of Post and Powell, and when we wrote that down and read it back the police were all, “Wait, really? You’re running with that? Could you at least change ‘puke’ back to ‘suspect’?” but we were already thinking about something else.
Police are searching for a slippery copper crook who pilfered wire from BART tracks near the Balboa Station, police said. Whether they meant “slippery” to describe the crook or the copper is unclear. We'll ask. Note to self: Coppers and “copper” is fertile pun-headline soil.
The police called! Two dim crooks fled a Chinatown dim sum joint without paying, police said. Sometimes, when we're feeling blue and waiting for the police to say things, we dream of opportunities like this: Dim Dim Sum Crooks! With every word we type, each of the world's ruffians squeezes out a hot tear.
Lawless goons slapped a 19-year-old in the Haight this morning, police said. You might think that the statement of a single source, even one as reputable as the police, is not always the definitive account of what might have happened, especially after all those pepper-sprayings and especially in a country besotted with all that innocent-until-proven jive. But police say that their word is good enough for us, and we agree, especially after we rewrite that word in the voice of Edward G. Robinson.
Goons 7, Thugs 5
Lawless goons have dealt a major setback to vicious thugs, police say. Tuesday night, the goons committed seven separate atrocities, including spray-painting a Mission wall, public urination in the Inner Sunset, not wiping down equipment at a 24-Hour Fitness, and gathering en masse for months at a time in Justin Herman Plaza to bring attention to the inequities in American society. (Wait, scratch that last one! Our new publishers are less conservative than the ones we're used to.) Vicious thugs, meanwhile, were implicated in just five brutal incidents, each of which we will sharpen, polish, and itemize in the coming days in whatever way we think sounds scariest to white people.
Rapscallions Defenestrate Slattern
Their blood a-boil from the polyrhythms of jitterbug music, black-hearted miscreants heave-hoed a 29-year-old through the take-away vestibule of the Burger King meat-dispensary restaurant at 1235 Ninth Ave. on Tuesday night, constables aver. She had made use of the plumbing facilities without first purchasing the requisite salted carbohydrates. A physician tuts that the wanton's wherewithal to ply her trade has suffered no compromise.
Muni Rider Beaten, Trampled, Electrocuted, Cited
Monday, 6:15 p.m.
Vicious thugs beat, stomped, and electrocuted a big-hearted Muni passenger, police said. During the incident, the passenger's transfer went missing. This inevitably resulted in a ticket and being evicted from the train, which we guess makes him a lawless goon, now.
Punks Mediate Goon-Thug Summit
Just after midnight on Tuesday
Rapacious punks presided over the airing of grievances between lawless goons and vicious thugs, police said. Goons maintain that thugs should cede back territory claimed in the Inner Sunset while thugs maintain they will not kowtow to a bunch of goons. Punks called a quorum, but before a resolution could be reached everyone was chased off by a bad-ass motherfucker.
Broad-Jumping Broads Jumped on Broadway
Tuesday, 10:30 p.m.
Three members of the San Francisco State women's broad-jumping team were set upon by lawless goons on Broadway, police said. Upon hearing this, the Examiner's headline writers erupted in applause.
Ghosts Write Ex-Mayor's Column
For years, now, the San Francisco Chronicle column “Willies World,” that brain-puke jumble of shout-outs and half-formed thoughts, has been written by entities who are not actually Willie Brown, police say. Brown has twice attempted to capture these ghosts but has so far only succeeded in apprehending the little elves who polish his shoes each night in exchange for a mention in the column.