Millennial Problems: Hillary Clinton Reaches Out

Less than a month ago, millennials at the Democratic National Convention were toting giant inflatable joints and telling the world to “lock up” Hillary Clinton. They were threatening a “DemExit” — a la Britain’s move to leave the EU — saying the party is too corrupt and needs to change. They mostly weren’t taken seriously.

“The hope was that the convention would still get contested, that superdelegates supporting Clinton would have a change of heart and vote for [Bernie] Sanders instead — or that Sanders would run as an independent,” reads a story on Quartz.

Still, no matter how much you might dislike her, HIllary wants your vote — even if there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell she loses millennials to Donald Trump. The Democrat took to the pages of Teen Vogue this week to try to connect with millennials. Known for saying whatever the person in front of her wants to hear, Clinton was in her typical form: heavy on rhetoric, thin on substance.

The op-ed starts out innocently enough, with two quick stories about young people who aren’t douchey. That gives Hillary the chance to mention two things millennials hate: bullying and racism. Then the brown-nosing begins.

“A smart former U.S. president — who happens to be my husband — once said there is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America,” she writes. “I couldn’t agree more. And your generation embodies everything that is most right with America. By harnessing your energy and ideas, we can solve many of the problems we face.”

Embodying everything that is right with America? What sort of bizarro world is this? First of all, no one says nice things about millennials, even other millennials. But if they embody anything, it’s how wronged they’ve been by Hillary’s generation.

Hillary goes on to point out that she needs millennials to help her, like just in general. She has lots of stuff to do because she fights for so many people every day. So there are three things millennials can do besides vote for her.

“Find something you care about, and fight for it.” (Hillary does this all the time.)

“Learn from those who disagree with you.” (Hillary’s father was a Republican.)

“Vote, and inspire others to vote too.” (Oh, guess voting was in there.)

That’s the best Hillary’s expensive PR team could come up with. If you’re hearing a hollowness in the room, you’re not alone.

But perhaps this is what the readers of Teen Vogue want. Maybe they’re not like these millennials, who think this whole election cycle is a big joke — one in which we wake up one day and that bloviated narcissist with orange hair somehow became the president of the United States.

Don’t let that happen, millennials.

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