The S.F. Botanical Garden's wish list

The Recreation and Parks Department has unveiled a plan to charge for admittance to the San Francisco Botanical Garden in order to raise money to turn the facility into a “world-class” tourist destination. How will the garden change under the plan?

• Man-eating plants will now be labeled

• All roads will lead to the gift shop

• Garden entrance will be blocked by a velvet rope

• Promotional tie-in with Taco Bell's new “Botanical Fiesta Nachos” will bring amazing publicity

• Bottle service

• New species of plant added that thrives under flash photography

• Barbed-wire electrical fences powered by solar panels, tipped with locally grown herbal poison, will keep out the neighbors

• Souvenir pot plants

• Name will change to San Francisco VIP Botanical Garden

• Foreign varietals entering the arboretum illegally will be turned over to immigration

• New security staff will be trained to say, “Can I examine your hand stamp?” and “This T-shirt is available in three sizes!” in multiple languages

• Three levels of membership: For $5 you can see the plants, for $25 you can name them, and for $100 you can burn any one species to extinction

• Roller-coaster added

• The same sober sense of mission that defines the gift shop at the Japanese Tea Garden will be used to make sure the Botanical Garden is stocked up on bobbleheads

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