The Snatch: Giving the News a Dirty Name

Mad Lib It: (Noun) Bites (Noun)

Local humans appeared to be on a tear this week — literally. Police responded to two different incidents involving bitey humans. In San Jose, a knife-wielding man who was allegedly drugged up stabbed himself in the chest three times and charged at the cops. Police unleashed their hard-working K-9 to subdue the man. Instead, the dude with the knife choked the pup and then bit him. The dog is reportedly at home recovering from scraped paws and elbows. That'll make for an interesting worker's comp case. Five days later, San Francisco police were called out to the Sunnydale neighborhood where a 32-year-old woman had been shot, beaten, and bitten by another woman. Police say the victim had parked in a public parking spot in front of the suspect's house — and this made the suspect unhappy. So she grabbed a gun and a rolling pin and fired a shot at the victim before beating her over the head. As the two struggled, the suspect took a bite out of the woman's boob. She fled the scene, but since police know where she lives … detective work was light.

The Stupidity Epidemic

Back in 1992, Pat Robertson was allotted a prime speaking slot at the Republican Convention. He accused the Democratic Party of carrying “a plague.” No, not that plague. This was the plague of “higher taxes, crushing regulation and centralized government … it is still the liberal welfare state and we want no part of it.” Whew. Robertson's public utterances seem to have grown steadily crazier through the years; his rhetoric is eerily reminiscent of the backwards pronouncements issued by demagogic Mideast religious leaders. Last week, the 1988 Republican presidential candidate made the news by besmirching the name of our fair city and its jewelry-wearers: “You know what they do in San Francisco? Some of the gay community there, they want to get people. So, if they've got the stuff, they'll have a ring. You shake hands and the ring's got a little thing where you cut your finger. … Really. I mean it's that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder.” Real rhinestone-cloak-and-dagger stuff straight out of some gay version of A View to a Kill.

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