With Tim Lincecum Gone, Who is the Stoner's Favorite Giant?

Beat the drum and hold the phone, the sun has come out every day this February — the month that baseball season officially begins. And it’s 2016, another even year for Giants fans. That means that not only are fans really high, but so are the expectations.

Pitchers and catchers reported to spring training camps in Arizona, where the Giants do this annual stretching and throwing ritual, and in Florida this week (where someone formerly known as Pablo Sandoval is working). The world is still still waiting on  Donald Trump to point out how many immigrants play baseball, but it shouldn’t be long.

You may be aware the Giants made three key acquisitions in the offseason. If you want to read about how good or bad they’re going to be, head over to one of the millions of sports websites that pay people to pontificate on such matters.

And then move on quickly, because right now in San Francisco Giants fandom land, only two things matter: that even-year bullshit whereby the team has won the past three even-year World Series, and the cold, hard fact — which still surprises casual fans — that beloved pitcher Tim Lincecum is no longer wearing the orange and black.

[jump] From an actual baseball perspective, Lincecum hasn’t been good since Obama’s first term. But that doesn’t matter. He was so good at the beginning that Giants fans only remember that stuff. Like the time he was sued by a former landlord for being all millennial and trashing then abandoning an apartment that was directly behind the 16th Street Safeway.

In fact, Lincecum did a lot of funny and crazy stuff while being a member of the Giants. After uttering “fuck, yeah,” on television in 2010, he had another very memorable line after his team won an important playoff series in October 2012 when someone sprayed him in the face with Champagne.

But besides being a talented athlete, there was one incident that perhaps forever cemented Tim Lincecum as a legend, can’t-do-wrong San Francisco icon. This is so big that if Lincecum quit baseball today and went all John Walker Lindh, Giants fans would still scream “Timmmmmm-ay!” at any chance. Or perhaps they would scream “Let Timmy smoke!”

You see, none of the achievements Lincecum had on the playing field can top the incident of Oct. 30, 2009. That day, The Freak was stopped by a Washington state trooper on southbound Interstate 5 just north of the Oregon border. Timmy was allegedly speeding in his Mercedes and taking rips off his ganja pipe. The amount of weed he had was 3.3 grams — which, as any Prop. 215-loving resident knows, is about one bowl short of an eighth of an ounce. Probably a solid amount for a solo road trip from your home in Seattle to your workplace in San Francisco. We can only hope he was blasting Ol’ Blue Eyes too.

Giants brass flew to Washington to testify on his behalf, and Timmy was let go with a slap on the wrist. He never had another public run-in with weed — at least not one that made the news, though we hear plenty of stories from barflies and cab drivers — but he was forever immortalized as the stoner Giant. Cy Youngs are nice, but that proved he was one of us.

Lincecum will forever be a superstar in these parts. But since Timmy will be in another uniform this season, who can the cannabis aficionado Giants fans turn to now?

The list is short, and Major League Baseball did not sanction this:

New guys: Jeff Samardzija, Johnny Cueto, Denard Span. 

Nah, too green.

Franchise players: Buster Posey, Madison Bumgarner. Good old boys from the South.  

Snooze fest.

Bench players: Gregor Blanco, Kelby Tomlinson. Who? Yeah: Boring.

That leaves one clear stoner's favorite: Sergio Romo.

The evidence: Romo grew up in California; he loves to laugh; he’s politically edgy, especially by pro-athlete standards; he likes strange animals; and tell me these two didn’t just light up.

All of that is solid evidence, but the kicker can be found here.

It’s no secret that ice cream tastes better when you’re high, whether getting high is legal or not.

There you have it, stoner Giants fans: Your new cookie is Sergio Romo.

Tags: , , , ,

Related Stories