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Categories: Top Stories

SIGN OF THE TIMES: Actual Messiah Totally Appears at Hunky Jesus Contest

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Minutes before the beginning of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence‘s Hunky Jesus and Foxy Mary contests, held on Easter Sunday in Golden Gate Park, the, like, actual Jesus totally reappeared after a roughly 1916-year absence from Earth.

Glued to their phones in spite of sharing a beautiful day in the park with their friends, many attendees didn’t acknowledge the bizarre cloud formation that was much denser and more brilliant white than the typical marine layer, until a crack of thunder jolted Hellman Hollow to attention. Pandemonium quickly broke out as a short, bearded man with a dark complexion and shoulder-length hair materialized, accompanied by a couple wingéd baby dykes carrying harps and also a drunk old guy who was probably Noah, I feel like.

Witnesses were at loggerheads over whether the light looked more like Instagram’s Crema or Maven filters, but most everyone agreed that something way spiritual was happening. Participants in the Hunky Jesus shifted uncomfortably, unsure if their wry appreciation for the Second Person of the Holy Trinity might merit eternal damnation. Sister Flora Good Thyme offered Christ the mic, but he declined.

“This looks more like a Saint Sebastian contest to me,” the Lord spoke, inspecting the contestants with bemusement and grinning. “Shoot that poison arrow through my hea-arrrrt.”

Addressing the speechless crowd, the Lamb of God held up his hands in benediction.

“It’s cool,” he said, as the hordes of pastel-clad picnickers vaped with relief. “Basically, I just started to hate all my fans, and I wanted to pivot to something else and — well, here you all are.”

“I was going to manifest in an Eggo at Mar-a-Lago, just to stick it to you-know-who,” the Son of Man added, “but I read those ‘Florida Man’ things on Buzzfeed sometimes and I figured no one would believe it.”

At that point, the people nearest to the Holy Savior began shouting out questions, which ranged from “Is Hell real?” to “Are you complicit in the Holocaust if you watched the trailer for the Roseanne Season 10 premiere?”

“Hell is real,” the King of the Jews said, gathering the folds of his tunic and motioning for a Pamplemousse La Croix. “It’s just not what you probably think. It’s basically just an extension of this vale of tears, except every surface is sticky and every table needs a shim. It’s also kind of like Dolores Park, because the gays took the best section. Plus it’s overflowing with expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.”

“JK!” Jesus said. “I love all my children equally. That’s why I literally died that time. Now watch me kill this tree because it doesn’t have any figs on it.

Perhaps inevitably, the conversation turned to current political events, with dozens of people clamoring to know how the Mueller probe turns out and whether it’s going to be Melania who’s got the bloody knife in her hand when all this shit ends, or what.

“You’ll get through it, this I say to you,” Christ said. “I mean, I know it sucks real hard, but seriously, the next Republican is the one you really have to worry about because he’s going to have a way itchier trigger … Never mind! Check out my doves. Sick, right?”

The Nazarene then released a flock of white birds, which turned into a big huge rainbow. Then he healed some dude who had a really gross thing on his leg and a girl with a fake gluten allergy, and moved through the crowd for selfies. Just be kind to one another, Jesus said, over and over, high-fiving fans and citing Dreamers, refugees, transgender children, outspoken survivors of high-school massacres, and anybody hitting you up for a couple bucks as you walk into a 12-course chef’s tasting menu with optional $125 wine pairing. He then went on to admonish the city of Saint Francis for its treatment of its homeless residents.

“Honestly? You should really fix that. It’s like that one time I said, ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled’ — oh shit, sorry, that was a different Jew who represents some of the very best of humanity,” he added. “Whatevs. Can I get an ‘Amen!‘? And maybe a Cadbury Creme Egg?”

Happy April Fool’s Day from the fools at SF Weekly!

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Peter Lawrence Kane @wannacyber

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